We (Might) Interrupt This Program

Today is another one of those days when I give serious thought to discontinuing this blog.

Before you ask--no, it's not something you said. Or didn't say. Well, not exactly. And, no, this isn't one of those lame attempts to generate a bunch of comments just for poops and giggles. And, actually, this was written several days ago.

It's not that I'm devoid of things to say (usually), and it's not that my days are filled with disinteresting events (usually). It's that I'm so fearful of speaking my mind here. And that is not the kind of blog I want to be writing. A "weblog," most commonly used as an online diary, should be a place where the author is free to express her thoughts and feelings, without regard to her audience. I am, on a daily basis, envious of bloggers like dooce and Kage, who write with what would appear to be a lack of self-consciousness, though, of course, that word in and of itself is a misnomer in this case. Because what makes them truly successful bloggers is their vast quantity of self-conciousness--the awareness of "self." And when they write in this uninhibited way, they do so in a public, un-anonymous forum (yep, before you mention it, I'm pretty sure that isn't a word). (Oh, and their real names are Heather Armstrong and Kristy Glass.)

When I blog, I am detrimentally aware of my audience. I know exactly which family members and friends requested to get an automatically generated email announcing a new post. I know the race, religion, location, and socio-economic status of almost every one of my readers (thank you, Google Analytics and--you know--just KNOWING who my readers are). I'm aware that my husband reads and has a pretty detailed opinion about how much information I share. I'm fully aware of who will be offended, bothered, or excited by every post. I can predict, almost with one hundred percent accuracy, who will comment publicly, who will send me an email with a comment, and who never comments at all. With all this information, it is nearly impossible for me to write uninhibitedly.

I have generated two possible solutions:

1. Perhaps I need one blog for family stuff (pics and video of the Munch, etc.), and one completely anonymous blog where my family members all have pseudonyms, and I wouldn't intentionally publicize it to anyone I know. Sort of like Swistle.

or

2. I could delete everyone from the email list, and turn off the comments.

The second solution would leave me without the knowledge of who is reading and what they think, while the first solution would probably just leave me without readers. Here's the weird thing, though. I like an audience. That's no secret, really. After all, I am an actor and a teacher. If I thought no one was reading, I'd probably stop writing. And I do keep coming back to the original reason I started this blog in the first place. But I also acknowledge two things that have changed for me. One is that I read many more blogs than I did when I started writing my own. Therefore, I have a heightened awareness of what others are writing about, and that often inspires my own posts--many of which I don't end up posting because of the info in paragraph two. The other major thing that has changed is, well, my life. I have fewer creative outlets than when I was working outside the home. I have fewer adults I interact with on a daily basis. I am more in tune with politics, the blogosphere, social networking, etc. And, oh yeah, I'm now a parent. In other words, I have more to talk about.

I suppose there is a third solution: FREAKING GROW A PAIR. See now, I offended you and you, and YOU have no idea what that expression means...am I right? As Yente would say, "Of course right."

(Yeah, you're going to need to look up that reference, aren't you?)