Meanderings

Edit (10/22/09): This is a very difficult post to publish. It was easy to write, but it's much tougher to share. Just so you know.


Composed on 10/8/09:
A friend and frequent blog-reader commented thusly the other day (paraphrase): "I do read your blog frequently, so I know what's going on with you--or at least with The Munchkin." Huh.

It got me thinking a thought I've thunk before, that I used to write the occasional opinionated entry that was actually about me on this blog, but it's turned into a full-fledged virtual baby book. Not that there's anything wrong with that. In general, I'm pretty sure the bulk of my regulars would rather read about the boy's latest accomplishments, but it still doesn't quell the need to vent and/or rant and/or whine. Unfortunately for me, since this is not an anonymous blog, I rarely do that. I fear offending people, for the most part. My innermost thoughts might not be what you would expect, and I don't want to scare anyone off.

But. Sometimes a girl needs to talk about the fact that her child morphed into another human in the last two months. And most of the time it's wonderful, and glorious, and I can't believe he can do things like imitate the sound a cow makes after talking about it for less than one day. And that he climbs stairs up AND down, and has therefore also figured out that if he's sitting on a chair or couch, all he has to do is turn his little self around and climb down. But other times, I take him to music class and he is a demon in sweat pants. You know how you can't really tell that people have lost weight unless you don't see them for a length of time? Well, that's sorta how I felt about my child's personality when we attended last week's music class, after having not attended for two months. Even his music teacher commented that he was "such a different boy!"...and totally not in a bad or condescending way at all. (I love her, don't forget.) But MAN, has he changed in that class! Now he throws a hissy fit if he can't sit on the giant drum, can't look out the window for the entire class to watch for "Choo choos," has to give back the purple maraca, can't bang on the piano keys, is put down when he wants to be up and is up when he wants to be down. He tries to hit other kids and me, though this was much improved today since last week. And none of this is really a big deal, in the grand scheme of things. It's certainly not a life or death situation.

And. Sometimes a girl needs to talk about the fact that the stupid Other Stuff is still not resolved--and it's real estate related, people, get your minds out of the graveyard and/or my uterus. ;o) But the fact that I still CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT ON HERE IS DRIVING ME NUTS. I want to SHARE things with you, Internet! Again, it's not a huge deal, and most definitely not a life or death situation.

But. Cancer IS a life and death situation, and sometimes a girl needs to talk about how much cancer sucks. And the fact that her friend has it sucks even more. And the fact that this friend is...not doing well...sucks even worse. And the fact that this friend has no husband to take care of her sucks. And that the bulk of her care is falling to her friends--well, that doesn't suck, but it's still really, really hard to handle. It makes me sad, and angry, and unmotivated (the exact opposite effect I would have expected), and my gut instinct is to disconnect from those I'm closest to, because even though it may help to talk about it...I kinda don't want to talk about it. Correction: I don't want to have a conversation about it, which is different.

So if you're reading this and you wonder why I haven't called, or emailed, or blogged about myself, this is why. My Friend Who Has Cancer is the huge, smelly, noisy elephant in the room, distracting me from the rest of my thoughts and tasks. And I don't want to talk about it.

Yet.