Mom-Stitute

If you've read recent-ish Facebook Status Updates, or if you're my mom and have had this discussion with me, you already know that I'm in the market for a Mom-Stitute.

In fact, I think a whole army of Mom-Stitutes are in order. (Before I proceed, I should probably clarify that a Mom-Stitute would be a SUBstitute for a Mom...not anything to do with institutes or prostitutes. Just so we're clear.) There should be a hotline you can call the moment you know you'll be taking a trip down Sick Road, and your Mom-Stitute will arrive promptly to care for your children.

But wait! you say. We already have Mom-Stitutes! They're called "Babysitters," "Nannies," "Grandparents," and the like. To this, I will comment thusly:

A Mom-Stitute will not only care for the children, she will assume all the responsibilities of the matriarch. She will load the dishwasher and empty the dishwasher, and hand wash the baby stuff that can't GO in the dishwasher. She will wipe down the kitchen counters. She will wipe up the grime from the high chair. She will (occasionally) wipe the plastic toys clean when she notices they have spit-up or peaches all over them. She will swap the dirty dish towels for clean ones. She will daily replace soiled burp cloths with clean ones. She will fluff the throw pillows for the zillionth time and dust the dressers in the bedroom that seem to need dusting every ten seconds. She will clean your house from head to toe, even if she needs to start over by the time she's done. She will use the bottle brush AND the sterilizing-microwavable-bag on the bottles. She will wipe down the kitchen counters--again.

She will pre-mix the necessary bottles of formula. She will defrost the baby food, make new baby food, serve the baby food and clean up after the baby food. She will pump each night. She will do the meal planning and the grocery shopping. She will put away the groceries, replace empty Kleenex boxes with full ones, and check to see which bathrooms require toilet paper. She will remember to defrost the meat.

She will patiently play with the children that can't/won't be left alone, stacking blocks like it's her full-time job, and dancing around the room to "Cats." She will be sure to give the children (and the dog) fresh air, even if it means spending more time dressing them for the weather than actually outdoors. She will drive to the zoo/park/store/Target every day if it means finding another creative way to entertain the kids (and herself). She will upload photos, send email/blogs/photos to family to stay connected.

She will do all of this...and an occasional "thank you" and a few smiles will be acceptable forms of payment. She will do all of this...and get up to do it again tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. She will do all of this and she will be happy, because others were happy as a direct result of her hard work.

Now accepting applications.